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Death of Star Wars

I'm a big fan of Star Wars, but over the years my friends and I have developed a taste for killing it in numerous painful and yet funny ways. Please don't take offense if you think I'm being too cruel, it's only my love of the thing that makes me laugh so hard. So I would like to thank Dark Jedi 1aB, Judas and Blade for their time spent killing something so dear to their hearts (and for letting me put it on the Web).

Death of the Phantom Menace page - click here to experience the Phantom Pants and Qui-Gon Jinn's Guide to Using the Jedi Mind Trick. Not to be missed!

Pants of the Clones! Yes, Anakins mastery of the pants grows stronger!
Watch this space.

A song I stole from an unknown location, based on 'Unforgiven' by Metallica.

'Dagobah's Not Home'
Another song I stole from an unknown source, based on 'Wherever I may Roam', also by Metallica.

A parody of that infamous Village People song in the form of Yoda talking to Luke. I've got no idea where this came from, either.

Everything Has A Weakness
A small list of Star Wars objects and characters and their weaknesses.

Top Five
There are many lists of the '101 things I learned from Star Wars' and here are my favourite five stolen from such lists.

The Totally Bastardised Star Wars Trilogy
Star Wars killed to the theme of maths and physics...

Boba Fett Man
Alternative lyrics to the They Might Be Giants' song Particle Man.

Pizza Wars
Take Star Wars and then substitute in pizza toppings for major characters... you get the idea.

Death of Star Wars 2
More (yes more) of this kind of wierd corruption, including Pants Wars, Console Wars and Look Sir, Droids!


Parody of "Unforgiven" by Metallica

A farmboy and old man,
They come and meet with me,
To get to Alderaan
I up the price quickly.
With a wookiee and two droids,
We go to hyperspace.
But unfortunately,
Alderaan's all over the place,
Yeah it was done
Ooooh, Tarkin shot the gun.
My money's gone away,
The Empire's gonna paaaaay...

What Ben felt, I don't know.
Stupid droids made Chewie moan.
Never get my money,
I just want fair payment.
Jabba put bounties on my head
If I don't pay then I'll be dead!
Gotta free, princess with money...
I'm a greedy Corellian.

Jedis dedicate their lives,
To truth and morality.
I just laugh at them all,
And exploit their money!
Of all the things I've seen,
Nothing makes me believe,
That one powerful force
Controls my destiny, no no it can't
Oh, maybe on Coruscant.
But it can't control me...
How powerful can it be?

Boba Fett, had I known...
I left Jabba's cash at home!
Let me free, I'll pay the fee.
Don't let me be frozen.
Anakin, you'll never win,
Cause your name ryhmes with Mannequin!
Leia'll be, saving me,
I'm a frozen Corellian.

You've frozen me, and I'll get back...
I'll throw you to the Sarlacc!
By accident, Fett'll be
Digested for 1,000 years!
Jabba, yell "bo shuda!" in vain,
As my girlfriend strangles you with a chain.
Hey Chewie, it's just me,
I'm a lucky Corelliaaan, wo-oh-oh.

And I still got money!
Damn I'm one smooth Corellian.

In these movies I never pee,
I'm a constipated Corellian.

Ewoks live in a tree(?)
They don't like that I'm Corellian.

I even hate snakes as Indy,
I'm an overworked Corellian.

Take me back to the top

Dagobah's Not Home

Parody of "Wherever I May Roam" by Metallica

In the swamp I nearly died,
I was stripped of all my pride.
In Yoda I did confide,
I won't go to the Dark Side, you can trust in me.

My X-Wing sank to its grave,
Only R-2 did I save.
Yoda told me I'll be afraid...
Biggs died, Wedge ran, Han helped, Vader lived,
Chalk one Death Star kill.

And I'll read your mind anywhere,
Kick your sorry behind anywhere,
Now I hallucinate everywhere,
Dagobah's not home...Yoda's 900 years old, da-amn.

Now my X-Wing's gone, I fear.
I guess that I am stuck here.
In the Jedi ways I've grown,
Yoda says "Lift it, don't moan", I say "I'll try."

And Yoda snaps "No!" at me.
Then he says "Do...", it's raspy.
"or do not there is no try."
Jedi, Rebel, Moaner, Farmboy.
That is why you fail...yeah you fail.

And the Darkside Cave, evil's bed,
Need no weapons, that's what Yoda said
. Fought myself and cut off my head.
Dagobah's not home...just too many vines and stones.

And my friends are being trapped elsewhere,
Han's in carbonite.
And I think I'll get out of here.
Dagobah's not home...Yoda doesn't want me to go.

Now my friends are safe, everywhere.
Vader is my dad.
My long-lost sister Leia's there
Dagobah's not home, Yoda's as old as Bob Dole!

Lost my hand to the bone,
And now I'm pissed but still not home.

Dagobah's not home.

Take me back to the top


Parody of "Y.M.C.A." by The Village People

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I
*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*
YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I am
WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you
GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be
HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Don't just stand in the rain!
You're all covered with mud!
Come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't
TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You should stay here and train!
You don't have to save Han!
If you do so, you'll lose your hand!

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
(repeat and fade)

Take me back to the top

Everything has a weakness, it's just a matter of exploiting it:

Emperor: overconfidence
Luke: friends
Death Star: thermal exhaust port
Stormtroopers: Ewoks
Star Destroyers: deflector shields
Darth Vader: compassion for his children
Leia: smugglers
Chewie: dead animals hanging from trees
Threepio: frail body

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The five most useful things I learned from the most useful things other people learned from Star Wars:

1) The middle of a raging battle for the fate of the galaxy is no time for heroics.
2) When sending troops out to a jungle world, make sure they are all wearing black and white, so nobody can see them.
3) Make sure your rocket pack isn't set to go off at the slightest touch before leaping into battle.
4) No matter how cool a guy's helmet looks, push him off a high place and he'll scream like a girl.
5) Never scream when a friend evaporates, and you're trying to secretly make it back to a smuggler's ship.

Take me back to the top

The Totally Bastardised Star Wars Trilogy

Luke Discovers the Truth About Vader

DARTH: You don't know the power of the Dark Side! Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your force equation.

LUKE : He told me enough! He told me you solved it!

DARTH: No, I am your force equation!

LUKE : (Checking notes) No! That's not true! That's IMPOSSIBLE!

DARTH: Search your workings, you know them to be true!


Vader Asks Luke To Join Him

DARTH: Luke, you can destroy the Energy Method. Dr Somerford* has forseen this. Join with me now, and we can end this pointless method, and rule the Mechanics lectures as First Law and Zeroth!

LUKE : I'll never join you!

DARTH: Luke, it is your cup of tea!

*Dr. Somerford is an upstanding member of the community whom we haven't made up.

Luke Is Brought Before The Emperor

(Scene: Throne room in Death Star Two. Luke enters with Vader. Luke is carrying a bunch of notes. They walk to the throne, where the Emperor sits looking ominously. A blackboard that wasn't seen in The Return of the Jedi can now be made out.)

EMPEROR: I've been expecting you, young Skywalker. You no longer need those. (Gestures at notes. Luke holds on to them possessively) I'm looking forward to completing your training. Soon when it is complete, you will call me "Lecturer".

LUKE: You're wrong. Soon I'll be dead, and your theory with me.

EMPEROR: Ah. Perhaps you refer to the attempt of your friends to disprove F = ma? I assure you, we are quite safe here. An entire legion of my best theories await them! I'm afraid the second law will be quite operational when your science reporters arrive.

LUKE: Your unknown constant is your weakness.

EMPEROR: Your faith in your energy methods is yours!

VADER: It is pointless to resist, my son.

EMPEROR: Come, boy, see for yourself. (Gestures to blackboard. Luke reads the notes on it, and looks unhappy) Good. I can feel the hate growing in you now. Take your new-fangled theories. I am defenceless. Strike me down with all of your quantum mechanics, and your journey towards the laws of gravitation will be complete!

R2 And C3PO Are Lost On Tatooine

The Scene: The calm duney desert of Tatooine. The camera pans across the dunes and finds two specks: one is gold, one is blue and white. As the camera zooms in it becomes evident that these are the droids you are looking for: C3P0 and R2D2.

C3P0: (Hopelessly) We're lost R2. And we've forgotten that important constant that Master Luke told us to remember.

R2D2: Beep beep squeel blip dit dit boooooop bip.

C3P0: Oh R2, of course he won't melt us down. Master Luke is a kind man.

R2D2: Beep bip whirr blop.

C3P0: I think we should try to find our way back.

R2D2: (Starts heading off in a direction away from C3P0).

C3P0: Come back, R2, it's not that way!

R2D2: Dup beep Booop blip dit dooooo.

C3P0: You won't get it, R2. You can't possibly remember the equation to calculate the constant again.

R2D2: Breeeeeeow.

C3P0: Oh, R2! (starts hurrying after him) Master luke will be mad! And to think we lost the constant. It's the only way to defeat the emperor and we've just lost it!

R2D2: Blip bloop grrrrrrrrrrr boing.

C3P0: But eff DOESN'T equal emm ay! Oh what shall we do?

R2D2: Bip.

C3P0: R2? Do you really think so? But master Luke said that the equation had to be disproved.

R2D2: Whirrrrr bloop hung bop (His little antennae pops up and he changes direction slightly.) Ting boop.

C3P0: Oh dear, R2. whatever shall we do?

Camera pans out and the scene changes.

New Trilogy Name #1

Star Wars: A New Equation.
The Lecturer Strikes Back.
Return of The Formula Booklet.

New Trilogy Name #2

Star Wars: A New Physicist.
The Constant Strikes Back.
Return of The Energy Method.

At Some Point The Emperor Has To Say:

"Everything that has transpired has done so according to MY equations. It was I who allowed the Alliance to know the location of the secret constant."
Probably before he says "It is quite safe....."

This insanity was thought up partly by myself but mostly by the truly insane
Dark Jedi 1aB

Take me back to the top

Star Wars Meets Particle Man by TMBG

Boba Fett Man

Boba Fett man, Boba Fett man
Doing the things that Boba Fett can
Shooting his gun and dying in the Sarlacc
Boba Fett man
Boba Fett man got clobbered by Han
Hit on the head with a frying pan
Is he dead? We just don't know...
Boba Fett man.

Carbonite Han

Carbonite Han, carbonite Han
Doing the things that carbonite can
He was caught by Boba Fett man
Carbonite Han.
He got duped by Lando C,
Vader made him all icy
Jabba put him for all to see
Carbonite Han.

Carbonite Han, Carbonite Han
Carbonite Han is Frozen Man
Leia tried to win his hand
Carbonite Han
Chewie, Luke and Leia too
C3PO and R2D2
They all saved our action man
Defrosted man, Carbonite Han.

Sorry, Blade.
Take me back to the top

Pizza Wars

Perhaps a little explanation is required... a few years ago a friend of mine worked in a Pizza Parlour. Every day the madness deepened until one day he realised that Star Wars and Pizzas are analogous. Thus the Pizza Wars Trilogy was born.

The Death of an Incompetent

- Lord Vader, the pizza has left the oven and we're preparing to...

- You have burned my pizza for the last time, Admiral. Captain Piett.

- Yes Milord.

- Make ready to cook another pizza, and deploy the speed ring, so that no topping may leave the pizza.
You are in the kitchen now, Admiral Piet.

An Assortment of Pizza-Related Quotes


C3 - C-3PO
DV - Darth Vader
EP - Emperor Palpatine
GM - Grand Moff Tarkin
HS - Han Solo
LC - Lando Calrissian
LS - Luke Skywalker
OB - Obi Wan Kenobi
PL - Princess Leia
PO - Porkins
RL - Red Leader
RP - Small-fry rebel person / pilot
YO - Yoda


OB: Use the Fork Luke!

DV: The Waiter never told you what happened to your pizza.
LS: He told me enough. He told me you ate it.
DV: No, I am your pizza.

GM: You prefer another pizza - a Stuffed Crust pizza, then name the toppings.

HS: Eat it up, Fuzzball.

RP: Your pizza will freeze before you reach your table.
HS: Then I'll eat it in Hell!

EP: Now young Coca-Cola, you will die.

DV: Never over-estimate the taste of Cheedex.

DV: Join me, and we can top this pizza with chicken and ham.

HS: Is the Ice Cream Factory ready yet?
RP: Not yet Sir; we're having trouble adapting it to the cold.

LC: They told me they cooked it. It's not my fault!

LC: I've just closed a deal that will keep my starters warm forever.

C3: ... Which you will slowly digest over a thousand years.

YO: Always he looked to the buffet. Never his mind on what he ordered, what he was eating.

DV: The Sauce is strong with this one.

YO: If you go now, eat it you could, but you would destroy all for which they have worked and suffered.
LS: But it'll burn if I don't!

LS: I'm not hungry.
YO: You will be. You will be.

OB: If you eat your starter you will do so alone. I can't eat anymore.

RP: But Sir, what good will anchovies be against THAT?

HS: Eat it up, Fuzzball. You didn't see us in Burger King, she bought a Whopper with fries for me.

DV: Never under-estimate the power of the Pork Side!

RP: It's done! It's done!
RL: No, no, it's just cooked on the surface.

PO: I got a large pizza here.
RP: Cut it up!
PO: No, I can hold it. AAAAARGH!

PL: I'd sooner feed a Wookie!
HS: I can arrange that. He needs a good pizza!

For more of these Pizza Wars, I recommend visiting Judas as it was he who worked in that pizza place and crafted this wierdness.

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