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Death of The Phantom Menace

We shall watch your career with great interest.

As I'm sure you have guessed already, this page is dedicated to humour at the expense of Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. Oddly enough, it's almost as funny as the latter three films put together (hard to believe I know). Again, I was helped greatly by Dark Jedi 1ab and Blade and several doses of alcoholic beverages.

The Phantom Pants
Just like 'Pants Wars' but with a different film in mind.

The 10 Ends of Jar Jar F. Binks
10 ways Jar Jar may not have made it through the film.

Ten Things I Learnt from Episode 1
Self explanatory and not serious and currently only at 6.

Big Questions
Alas, probably unanswered questions raised by the film.

Qui-Gon Jinn's Guide to Using the Jedi Mind Trick
Well, he did use it quite a lot...

The Saga Begins
A song by 'Wierd Al' Yankovic, telling the entire story of SW Episode 1.

The Phantom Pants

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The Ten Ends of Jar Jar F. Binks

  1. Qui-Gon Jinn hacks him into bits with his lightsaber.
  2. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan throw him out of the bongo as bait.
  3. He is sold as a sex slave on Tatooine to provide the rest with funds.
  4. He is farted to death by a furry llama creature before the pod race.
  5. He is chopped to bits by the pod racer engine when he fails to unstick his hand in time.
  6. He 'accidentally' falls of a high thing (platform on Coruscant, pod race observation post...)
  7. He refuses to say where the Gungan city is and as a result is crushed, ground into little pieces and blasted into oblivion.
  8. He gets accidentally hanged on the vines growing on the palace in Theed while attempting a daring rescue of Queen Amidala.
  9. He is seared to death by a welder droid in Watto's shop.
  10. He is lightninged to death by Senator - I mean, Darth Sidious.

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Top Ten (Six) Things I Learnt From Episode 1

  1. Your focus determines your reality.
  2. If the entire Jedi Council thinks that training a boy may be dangerous, they just might have a point...
  3. Luke isn't the only whiney brat in the Skywalker family.
  4. All the best Jedi are British.
  5. Slowly fighting down a corridor is faster than sprinting down it.
  6. Don't bargain with the Sith.
There will be more of these when I think of them, I promise...

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Big Questions

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Qui-Gon Jinn's Guide to the Jedi Mind Trick

  1. Use it on everybody.
  2. If it doesn't work the first time, keep trying.
  3. Never pay for anything if you can use the Jedi Mind Trick.
  4. When talking to the leaders of a new culture, use the Jedi Mind Trick to punctuate every sentence - especially if they are large green frogs.
  5. If you can get away with it, use it on your apprentice and the Jedi Council as well.
  6. In situations where the Jedi Mind Trick is explicitly not to be used, use it anyway and hope no one notices.
  7. Certain creatures, including flying smurfs and giant slugs, are immune to the Jedi Mind Trick, in this case, fall back on the Jedi Lightsaber Trick.

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The Saga Begins

by 'Weird Al' Yankovic
Sung to the tune of 'American Pie' by Don MacLean and from the perspective of Obi-Wan Kenobi

A long long time ago in a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack.
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn could talk the Federation in
To maybe cutting them a little slack.
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us.
We escaped from that gas
We met Jar Jar and Boss Nass.
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the Queen...
We all wound up on Tatooine...
That's where we found this boy.

Oh my my this here Anakin guy
Maybe Vader some day later now he's just a small fry
He left his home and kissed his Mommy goodbye
Saying 'soon I'm gonna be a Jedi'
'Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi'....

Do you know this junkyard slave isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force they say.
Ah, do you see him hitting on the Queen,
Though he's just 9 and she's 14?
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday.
Oh I know he built C3P0
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two.
He was a pre-pubescent flying ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well I knew who would win first place,
Oh yes, it was our boy.

Well we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be.
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midichlorians were off the scale
And he probably fulfilled that prophecy.
Well the Council was impressed, of course
Could he bring balance to the force?
They interviewed the kid
Oh, training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said, 'Now listen here,
'Just stick it in your pointy ear
'I still will train this boy'.

Well we took a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would have liked to stay.
And we all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day.
And in the end some Gungans died,
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried.
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken.
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
But I'm still here and he's a ghost...
I guess I'll train this boy.

Nobbled without permission. I hope no one minds

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Any suggestions for this page are gratefully recieved; either send them to me at dracoliche@hotmail.com or any other address you know me at, and I'll post them up.
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