Death of Star Wars

Corellian

A farmboy and old man,
They come and meet with me,
To get to Alderaan
I up the price quickly.
With a wookiee and two droids,
We go to hyperspace.
But unfortunately,
Alderaan's all over the place,
Yeah it was done
Ooooh, Tarkin shot the gun.
My money's gone away,
The Empire's gonna paaaaay...

What Ben felt, I don't know.
Stupid droids made Chewie moan.
Never get my money,
I just want fair payment.
Jabba put bounties on my head
If I don't pay then I'll be dead!
Gotta free, princess with money...
I'm a greedy Corellian.

Jedis dedicate their lives,
To truth and morality.
I just laugh at them all,
And exploit their money!
Of all the things I've seen,
Nothing makes me believe,
That one powerful force
Controls my destiny, no no it can't
Oh, maybe on Coruscant.
But it can't control me...
How powerful can it be?

Boba Fett, had I known...
I left Jabba's cash at home!
Let me free, I'll pay the fee.
Don't let me be frozen.
Anakin, you'll never win,
Cause your name ryhmes with Mannequin!
Leia'll be, saving me,
I'm a frozen Corellian.

You've frozen me, and I'll get back...
I'll throw you to the Sarlacc!
By accident, Fett'll be
Digested for 1,000 years!
Jabba, yell "bo shuda!" in vain,
As my girlfriend strangles you with a chain.
Hey Chewie, it's just me,
I'm a lucky Corelliaaan, wo-oh-oh.

And I still got money!
Damn I'm one smooth Corellian.

In these movies I never pee,
I'm a constipated Corellian.

Ewoks live in a tree(?)
They don't like that I'm Corellian.

I even hate snakes as Indy,
I'm an overworked Corellian.

Dagobah's Not Home

In the swamp I nearly died,
I was stripped of all my pride.
In Yoda I did confide,
I won't go to the Dark Side, you can trust in me.

My X-Wing sank to its grave,
Only R-2 did I save.
Yoda told me I'll be afraid...
Biggs died, Wedge ran, Han helped, Vader lived,
Chalk one Death Star kill.

And I'll read your mind anywhere,
Kick your sorry behind anywhere,
Now I hallucinate everywhere,
Dagobah's not home...Yoda's 900 years old, da-amn.

Now my X-Wing's gone, I fear.
I guess that I am stuck here.
In the Jedi ways I've grown,
Yoda says "Lift it, don't moan", I say "I'll try."

And Yoda snaps "No!" at me.
Then he says "Do...", it's raspy.
"or do not there is no try."
Jedi, Rebel, Moaner, Farmboy.
That is why you fail...yeah you fail.

And the Darkside Cave, evil's bed,
Need no weapons, that's what Yoda said
. Fought myself and cut off my head.
Dagobah's not home...just too many vines and stones.

And my friends are being trapped elsewhere,
Han's in carbonite.
And I think I'll get out of here.
Dagobah's not home...Yoda doesn't want me to go.

Now my friends are safe, everywhere.
Vader is my dad.
My long-lost sister Leia's there
Dagobah's not home, Yoda's as old as Bob Dole!

Lost my hand to the bone,
And now I'm pissed but still not home.

Dagobah's not home.
(repeat)

Y.O.D.A.

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I
*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*
YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I am
WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you
GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say
*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be
HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is
*MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Don't just stand in the rain!
You're all covered with mud!
Come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't
TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha
*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK*

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You should stay here and train!
You don't have to save Han!
If you do so, you'll lose your hand!

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
(repeat and fade)

Everything has a weakness, it's just a matter of exploiting it:

The five most useful things I learned from the most useful things other people learned from Star Wars:

Luke Discovers the Truth About Vader

LUKE : He told me enough! He told me you solved it!

DARTH: No, I am your force equation!

LUKE : (Checking notes) No! That's not true! That's IMPOSSIBLE!

DARTH: Search your workings, you know them to be true!

LUKE : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Vader Asks Luke To Join Him

LUKE : I'll never join you!

DARTH: Luke, it is your cup of tea!

*Dr. Somerford is an upstanding member of the community whom we haven't made up.

Luke Is Brought Before The Emperor

EMPEROR: I've been expecting you, young Skywalker. You no longer need those. (Gestures at notes. Luke holds on to them possessively) I'm looking forward to completing your training. Soon when it is complete, you will call me "Lecturer".

LUKE: You're wrong. Soon I'll be dead, and your theory with me.

EMPEROR: Ah. Perhaps you refer to the attempt of your friends to disprove F = ma? I assure you, we are quite safe here. An entire legion of my best theories await them! I'm afraid the second law will be quite operational when your science reporters arrive.

LUKE: Your unknown constant is your weakness.

EMPEROR: Your faith in your energy methods is yours!

VADER: It is pointless to resist, my son.

EMPEROR: Come, boy, see for yourself. (Gestures to blackboard. Luke reads the notes on it, and looks unhappy) Good. I can feel the hate growing in you now. Take your new-fangled theories. I am defenceless. Strike me down with all of your quantum mechanics, and your journey towards the laws of gravitation will be complete!

R2 And C3PO Are Lost On Tatooine

C3P0: (Hopelessly) We're lost R2. And we've forgotten that important constant that Master Luke told us to remember.

R2D2: Beep beep squeel blip dit dit boooooop bip.

C3P0: Oh R2, of course he won't melt us down. Master Luke is a kind man.

R2D2: Beep bip whirr blop.

C3P0: I think we should try to find our way back.

R2D2: (Starts heading off in a direction away from C3P0).

C3P0: Come back, R2, it's not that way!

R2D2: Dup beep Booop blip dit dooooo.

C3P0: You won't get it, R2. You can't possibly remember the equation to calculate the constant again.

R2D2: Breeeeeeow.

C3P0: Oh, R2! (starts hurrying after him) Master luke will be mad! And to think we lost the constant. It's the only way to defeat the emperor and we've just lost it!

R2D2: Blip bloop grrrrrrrrrrr boing.

C3P0: But eff DOESN'T equal emm ay! Oh what shall we do?

R2D2: Bip.

C3P0: R2? Do you really think so? But master Luke said that the equation had to be disproved.

R2D2: Whirrrrr bloop hung bop (His little antennae pops up and he changes direction slightly.) Ting boop.

C3P0: Oh dear, R2. whatever shall we do?

Camera pans out and the scene changes.

New Trilogy Name #1

New Trilogy Name #2

At Some Point The Emperor Has To Say:

Star Wars Meets Particle Man by TMBG

Boba Fett Man

Carbonite Han

Sorry, Blade.

The Death of an Incompetent